


Between a Crematorium and a Dildo Shop

by spiderpositivity



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Four Seasons Total Landscaping, Happy Azula (Avatar), I'm Sorry, I'm so sorry for this, M/M, Minor Aang/Katara, Minor Bato/Hakoda (Avatar), Zuko works at a crematorium, azula is a fan of sokka, bato is a troll, in this house we hate trump, iroh is confused, katara would punch a republican, let katara say fuck, rudy giuliani is in this one, someone save sokka
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-13
Updated: 2020-11-22
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:20:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27546724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spiderpositivity/pseuds/spiderpositivity
Summary: It's November 2020.  Sokka works at the Four Seasons Total Landscaping.  Zuko works at the neighbouring crematorium.  You know what happens next.
Relationships: Sokka & Zuko (Avatar), Sokka/Zuko (Avatar)
Comments: 63
Kudos: 282





	1. Chapter 1

Zuko ushers the crying family out of the crematorium and after doing some last-minute checks, locks up. He wouldn’t say that he is exactly used to the grieving that working in a place like this would expose him to, but it would be safe to say that he found some ways to navigate certain situations, an astounding difference to the absolute disaster he had been in the first few weeks of the job. 

After the family has thankfully piled into their car, he breathes a sigh of relief and idly checks his social media while waiting for Uncle to pick him up. Ty Lee has spam posted about Nevada not counting their votes, and Zuko can’t even find it in himself to be annoyed. He feels a thrill of vindication, imagining Ozai’s face at the news. Ozai had never been shy about being a rampant republican, and Zuko can’t see him being too happy about people about to be having actual rights. 

His moment of satisfaction is briefly interrupted by a barely audible voice from the neighboring building. 

“You want to rent out our parking lot? No, no, it’s possible. We can do that, no problem!”

At that, Zuko pays attention. A parking lot event at the landscaping business meant chaos and chaos meant Zuko would have to find a reason to conveniently not show up to work that day and ask Jin to cover his shift instead. 

“For tomorrow? A press conference?” the voice is clearly confused and Zuko doesn’t blame it. “You sure?” A pause and some hasty affirmations and scratches of a pencil. “Ok, sure thing, buddy. We’ll have it ready, no problem.”

A click. And then: “Katara, you’re not going to believe this shit.”

Zuko doesn’t know whether or not this Katara has responded, but the voice pipes up again, this time more audible. “Some guy tried to book the parking lot for the press conference. Claims that he’s with Trump’s lawyer.”

What the actual heck. 

“It’s clearly a prank, Katara!” There’s some unintelligible response and then a “No, this person says they’ll pay by later today. They just want us to get the stuff ready by tomorrow.”

Katara scoffs, and the voice laughs again. “Yeah, yeah. Anyway, I’m clocking out. You’re up to deal with this.”

The voice gains a body and walks out the door before Zuko can make himself innocuous and pretend like he hadn’t eavesdropped on the weirdest conversation of his life. 

“Oh. Hey.”

Ah crap. 

“…Hello.”

“Did you want to book an appointment?” this boy asks, raising a suspicious eyebrow, dragging his eyes over Zuko. “Because my sister is inside- she’s in charge for now.”

“Oh. No,” Zuko mentally slaps himself for his incoherency. “I’m Zuko. I work at the shop next door.”

The boy slowly turns his head to a shop that Zuko very decidedly did not work at, and Zuko regrets everything he said. 

“Not there!” he said quickly. “I work at the crematorium. I burn bodies.”

“Ah,” the boy chuckles a little, “I’m Sokka”. They both fall into awkward silence. When it becomes clear that Sokka isn’t going anywhere and Uncle is nowhere near close enough to get him out of this situation, Zuko tries to make conversation. 

“I heard a bit of the phone call,” he offers, and Sokka snorts. “That sounded… interesting.”

“It’s definitely a prank,” Sokka laughs. “At least once a month, some kid calls asking to book a room at the Four Seasons Hotel but laughs before they can finish an order. I actually have a tally of how many times it’s happened.”

“That’s rough, buddy. Sometimes people call us asking if we stock a certain size of dildos.”

Sokka actually laughs at that, bending over himself and clutching his stomach. “Man, Zuko, you just made my day,” he guffaws, laughing so hard that Zuko feels compelled to join in. They make a suspicious figure, two boys laughing in front of a landscaping store and a freaking crematorium of all places. Maybe they would look more in place next to the dildo shop. 

When the two manage to pull themselves together, Sokka wipes his eyes. “Seriously, though. I should add this to my prank call list. As if Trump’s lawyer would set foot in this place. It’s in no way white enough for them. Oh wait- do you support Trump?”

“No,” Zuko says too quickly and amends his statement. “My father does, but I hate the guy.”

“Same,” Sokka says. “Well, not about the father part. My entire family hates him.”

“Hope he doesn’t win.”

“I doubt he will,” Sokka’s brow furrows. “I don’t even want to imagine another four years of this nonsense.”

They both look at each other and shudder. 

“Anyway,” Sokka sighs. “The guy said he would pay and actually gave us a timeline, so I can’t officially write it off as a joke yet.”

“Let me know if it’s a prank,” Zuko only half jokes. “I’m invested in this situation.”

Sokka actually grins at this. “I’d need your number for that.”

Zuko will later convince himself that his face stayed its normal temperature for the next few minutes, as he hastily punches his number in the phone offered. Sokka looks a little flushed, but that’s probably the residual laughter (right?). Conveniently, uncle shows up.

“I’ll text you,” Sokka says. “I’m invested in this situation too.”

Uncle shoots the two a confused look, but greets Sokka cordially and drives off with Zuko. 

“Invested in what situation?” uncle asks. 

“A republican press conference in the landscaping store.”

Uncle probably chalks this up to teenagers being weird and remains in bemused silence for the rest of the drive. 

.

It’s eight pm when Sokka texts him. 

Sokka: katara says they paid

Sokka: nobody’s gone this far for a joke before

Wow, Zuko immediately texts back. So do you actually have to set up?

Sokka responds before Zuko has the chance to beat himself up over not waiting for ten minutes before replying. 

Sokka: yeah

Sokka: shouldn’t be too difficult though. see you tomorrow?

Zuko smiles at the phone. 

Me: Yeah see you :) 

.

And then everything happens at once. 

Zuko shows up to his shift considerably earlier than usual, earning more slightly concerned glances from uncle, telling himself that it was due to his interest in the prank that had gone too far. 

When he gets to the crematorium, he is greeted with the very chaos he anticipated. A girl with braided hair angrily wrestles some wires, while a taller man hefts some speakers precariously. 

“Katara!” Zuko turns around, only to see a very frazzled Sokka running around with a notepad. “Do the wires work or should I get spares?”

“I think they’re gone,” Katara pokes at the admittedly sad looking cables. 

“Ah crap,” Sokka sighs. “Ah! Zuko!”

Zuko waves awkwardly, deftly avoiding being brained by a speaker. Sokka rushes over to him and grabs his hands. Zuko short-circuits, his brain empathizing with the wires on the floor. 

“Do you have spares? Spare wires? I normally wouldn’t ask you this and I’m so sorry, but we need to get this stupid fake press conference ready for the sake of freaking protocol alone and we don’t have any freaking wires and-”

“Um, yes. We do, I think,” Zuko vaguely remembers Piando’s stash being in a cupboard. “I’ll go get them.”

“I’ll come with you,” Sokka said, and they both power walk to the crematorium. Zuko unlocks the place as quickly as possible, while Sokka bites his nails. Sokka practically pounces into the room, as Zuko wrenches open a cabinet drawer. 

“Do these work?”

“Yes,” Sokka exhales for a solid ten seconds. “Thank you, Zuko. You literally saved my life.”

“No problem,” Zuko says faintly, and they stare at each other. Then Sokka seems to remember that he’s on a very tightly packed schedule and they both hurry back…

… and come face to face with a bunch of people in suits, people with cameras, and a trolley of Trump 2020 paraphernalia. The tall man who was previously occupied with the speakers is now speaking to the people with barely hidden disdain. 

“Sokka!” Katara hisses, grabbing the wires and plugging them in here and there with hypnotizing speed. “It was real!”

“What the-”

“It was real! You let them book the parking lot for a Trump 2020 press conference!”

At this moment, Zuko is sure he looks like a gaping fish. Sokka looks like a very attractive gaping fish as he tries to digest this information.

“I- what?”

Katara shoves her phone in their faces. “Look at Trump’s twitter!”

Oh god. Oh no. Oh no no no no. 

Zuko’s phone buzzes with a message from Mai: Hey isn’t that press conference where you work?

Oh no. 

“What have I done,” Sokka groans, while Katara seems to be on the verge of an aneurism. 

“I’m getting them to leave,” she says and actually heads to the throng of suits and cameras. 

“Wait- hold on,” Zuko speaks up suddenly. “You can’t do that.”

She whirls at him angrily. “And why not?”

Zuko gestures to the mess in front of them. “There are cameras everywhere. And plus they’ve already booked the place. It would be terrible for the business if you asked them to leave at this point.”

Katara looks like she is ten seconds away from murdering Zuko, but concedes and does nothing. The two stare in horror at the Trump posters being tacked up, and then Sokka makes a very concerning sound. 

“Sokka?” Katara asks carefully. “Are you alright?”

Sokka is laughing again, but this time deranged sounding. 

“Do you realize what is happening?” he grabs Zuko’s arm. “They have a press conference in the Four Seasons’s Total Landscaping! In between a dildo shop and a crematorium!”

Katara’s face goes through all stages of grief while Zuko makes a noise he didn’t think was previously possible. Rudy Giuliani steps in front of the microphone, and the reporters hastily stumble around each other, but start recording anyway. 

The three stand in silence as the lawyer says words that make no sense, and then Katara gasps. 

“Holy fuck.”

“What?” Sokka instantly replies. 

“He won. Biden won. They called it.”

“No way,” Zuko hears himself say. 

“But-” Sokka starts, and they slowly turn to the conference. A reporter in the crown raises their hand. 

“Yes?” Giuliani wheezes.

“They called the race. It’s Biden.”

“The polls? They don’t decide the election. The call for Joe Biden- Who was it called by?”

A beat. 

“All of them.”

Zuko watches the republicans go purple and hears the incoming honking of people cheering Biden’s name. He feels so much that he can’t describe. Sokka doesn’t look like he’s in better shape. 

“Make America rake again?” Sokka says faintly. “We should get coffee sometime.”

Zuko just agrees.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I really should have let this die, but Giuliani struck again and I knew the boys would have something to say.

The coffee date was fantastic. Because the two boys had enough brain cells not to walk into a nearby starbucks and start spreading corona to every poor soul who had to work there, they decided to make romance truly virtual, and use the bane of every teenager in online school’s existence- zoom. 

The good news? Sokka was being a responsible citizen, hanging out with a cute boy, and didn’t need to wear pants.

The bad news? By being a responsible citizen, Sokka was now hanging out with said cute boy with Katara one wall away, laughing at everything they said to each other, facetiming Aang the whole time. 

The sheer audacity of the situation. Aang and Katara were so repulsively happy together that even Apple’s whole array of heart emojis resigned and conceded to not being the most sickeningly wholesome thing in existence. Now if only a certain other someone could also concede and make everyone’s life easier. 

Anyway, after the whole Four Seasons Total Landscaping fiasco, Hakoda was furious at Sokka for allowing Republicans to step foot within the premise. Between having to interact with the representatives directly, having to explain to Piando exactly why two teenagers broke into his crematorium and stole his wires, and having to sanitize the whole place after the goons had finally left, Hakoda argued that the whole ordeal cost them a fortune in physical and emotional damage. Sokka argued otherwise. Twitter had done its job, business was now booming, and the only thing that could be done was to make mockery of the situation and profit from it. 

Bato joking suggested selling merchandise, Sokka and Katara played along with it, and before anybody came to their senses and realized that the three were joking, Toph had gotten wind of the situation and emailed them a bunch of slogans that were just too good to not slap onto t-shirts to contribute to Katara’s and Sokka’s college fund. 

Thus, Sokka had been extremely preoccupied handling the merch distribution season before the ordeal died down, making his time with Zuko extremely scarce, which is why he was a bit miffed to be on zoom with him and discover that he shared a room with his sister, who constantly made jabs at Sokka’s epic blunder until Zuko let it slip how much Sokka had earned by selling merchandise. Now Azula wanted to talk business, which would have been alright if she wasn’t terrifying enough to scare All Lives Matter people into distaste for the police system. 

Now Sokka is on coffee date number 3 with Zuko, six feet apart in the legendary parking lot. 

“So how are merch sales going?” Zuko’s eyes crinkle, face obscured by a mask. 

“Pretty well,” Sokka says. “We’re planning to ride this meme wave out as long as possible. Hopefully it lasts.”

“Of course it will,” Zuko looks incredulous. “It’s the weirdest thing to happen this year. What could possibly outshine this?”

“That’s a good point,” Sokka grins at him, remembering too late that Zuko couldn’t see his mouth. 

“Anyway,” Zuko splays his fingers on the concrete. “My uncle wants to meet you properly this time. He was really confused after the whole press conference, but after Azula told him about it, he wants to meet you even more this time.”

“Hey, that’s cool!” Sokka says. “A zoom meeting, right?”

“Obviously,” Zuko grumbles. “Azula also wants to talk to you, and I’m not about to subject you to the horror of talking to her in person.”

“Also, the pandemic.”

“Yes, also the pandemic. That’s more important.”

“Yep.”

They sit in comfortable silence, minutes of their synchronized break counting down leisurely. Then Zuko checks his phone and spits his coffee onto the ground. 

“Sokka, remember when I said that the press conference would be the craziest thing that would happen this year?”

“Vividly. What happened?” If Biden was caught holding interviews in the nearest Barnes and Noble…

“It’s Giuliani again,” Zuko says, which does not help one bit. 

“Zuko, sweetheart, please tell me this man has not sabotaged my dream of graduating college debt free.”

Zuko goes slightly pink, clearing his throat and wiping coffee off his shirt. “Ok, I won’t. I’ll send you the link instead.”

Sokka fully expects to be rickrolled, but is directed to a series of photographs. 

“Oh… god.”

“Yep.”

“Zuko, why-”

“I have no idea.”

“Why,” Sokka whispers in despair, “is Giuliani’s head leaking brown liquid?”

“Well,” Zuko taps his screen. “According to the internet, it’s either his hair dye melting, his choice of using shoe polish in his hair coming back to bite him in the ass, or his shit for brains finally making itself known to the world.”

Sokka hopes the garbled noise from his throat sufficiently conveys his disbelief to Zuko. It seems to work, and Zuko sympathetically taps Sokka’s thigh with a sneaker. 

“I know, I know.”

“It hasn’t even been a month.”

“For what it’s worth,” Zuko says. “Azula texted me saying that the internet would love to see the Four Season’s Total Landscaping sell some “shit for brains” merch, so you’ve got that going for you.”

Sokka thunks his head onto the ground and wishes for the concrete to consume him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please yell at me in the comments- it gives me serotonin.

**Author's Note:**

> This is the worst thing I have ever written. I am so sorry for this. In my defence, it is 2 am.


End file.
